Not Everyone Deserves a Trophy

My oldest kid was in a play.  She danced and sang in the chorus.  And while I have no doubt she gave it a lot of time and effort and did her best, one has to draw the line between participation and killing it.

Sometime between when I was a kid and when I had my kids, the idea that you deserve an award for just showing up, spread through just about every academic and extra-curricular activity and organization out there.  That every effort, no matter how small, (even a shitty one) needs to be positively acknowledged and by simply participating you get yet another trophy, plaque, banner or ribbon for your bedroom wall.  I hear parents calling bullshit all the time, but nothing is ever done about it.

After the aforementioned play, many of the parents gave their kids presents - flowers for some girls, treats for some boys.  I briefly thought about it earlier in the week and talked myself out of it.  This is the conversation in the car on the way home:

Kid: Why didn't you guys get me flowers or muffins?
Dad: Why didn't you have a principal role?
Kid: Because I didn't try out for a big part.  I didn't want one.
Dad: Not everyone deserves a trophy.

CASE CLOSED.

Also known as the Vortex of Disappointment

as most of the conversations we have in it deal with the real world.

I am expecting backlash from this post. Something about diminishing my kids' effort or crushing her soul.  I don't see it that way, and neither should you.


It depends on the kid, obviously, but this type of empty praise can seriously skew their self-worth... (or not.)  I have one kid who relishes when she is successful.  An 'A' gets a smile, and a 'B' elicits a furrowed brow.  She can be hard on herself, which worries me, but I can deal with that since I'm the same way.  I have another kid who asks "what do I get?" when told to contribute to the household in the most rudimentary ways.  *What do you get for putting away your own clean laundry?  Clothes that don't make you smell like a wet dog at school tomorrow.* Completion of school work is her goal, not a stellar mark.  She thinks if she DOES something, (even if it's lousy, or for her own benefit,) it is WORTH something: praise, reward, booty.  Living in the "show up and get a prize" world has led to an extremely overdeveloped sense of entitlement.  This kid is going to be seriously disappointed when she goes to work and doesn't get a bonus for doing her job.

"Employee of the Day"

In spite of what society currently says to kids, I need to prepare mine for the real world, where life is not fair (but they are not the ones getting the short end of the stick,) disappointments abound, (and they must learn to reframe their circumstances and be grateful for them,) and you can't always get what you want, (but if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need.)

I am confident that in doing this, I'm doing a great job as a parent.  Where's my trophy?